Stop The Self-Sabotage Already! Pt. 1

We’ve all been there: Sitting across the table from a friend, listening to a long-winded diatribe about how hard their life is. After awhile your smile fades to a less than enthusiastic grimace, your neck starts to cramp from all the nodding along, and you mentally vacate the conversation… Brutal right?

The constant whining, complaining, and carrying-on… Things are hard and life never goes their way. They’re powerlessness to do anything and virtually hopeless that things will ever get any better; they never get their way, their job is boring, their boss never listens, their spouse is selfish, etc. etc. etc.

In a word, we’re talking about victims and no one likes to be around them.

Now you might be thinking to yourself: “I totally agree! I can’t stand people like that! Why do people act that way!?” Basically implying that you don’t ever sink into the self-sabotage mode, and at least if you do it’s not as bad as that!

Well… I’m here to tell you different. No one every likes to think of themselves as a victim AND like it or not, we all have own version of this damaging behaviour. However before you can do anything about it, just like anything else, you have to admit you’ve got something to deal with.

Ugh… The idea that we all have an inner victim can be a tough pill to swallow. Victims occur as weak and helpless and the idea that a version of that exists within ourselves is uncomfortable.

The Hard Truth: it’s true. You do. You have a version of being a victim that sells you out, keeps you small, and ensures that you’ll never get exactly what you want.

I say ENOUGH ALREADY!

It’s time to Call Out Your Inner Victim once and for all!

Just admit you’ve got a problem…

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DISCLAIMER: In order for any of this to have any impact on your life, you’re going to have to commit to two things:

First, you’ll have to be willing to be really honest with yourself and take ownership of your self-sabotaging patterns – even if you don’t want to.

Second, you’ll have to stop judging yourself, no one’s perfect and we all do it.

The key is owning it instead of ignoring it. If you’re not willing to do that, you may as well just go back to cat videos and Instagram.

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With that out of the way, let’s get real people. No one likes to think of themselves as a victim. No one ever gets up in the morning and thinks: “how can I go about sabotaging my life today?” Just because we don’t want it to be true doesn’t mean we don’t ever fall victim to our self-sabotaging ways. The fact is, at some point, your inner victim will rise up and seemingly take over leaving you frustrated and feeling at the mercy of your situation.

Still resisting that you may fall victim to your victim? Here are some clear signs and symptoms of when your victim is running the show:

• You keep wishing things were different
• You’re generally in a fog and can’t make a decision
• You’re consumed with the same thoughts over and over
• You don’t know what to do
• You can’t stop talking about the situation and getting everyone to weigh in with their 2¢ (that’s $0.02 for you millennials out there…)
• You want people to tell you what you should do
• You’re overly emotional, quick to anger, or feel tears of frustration right behind your eyes often and you don’t know why…

Basically you’re on repeat, wondering why this is happening to you, pretending you don’t know the solution, but really just avoiding doing anything about it.

Over the next few posts we’re going to be Calling Out Your Inner Victim; shining a spotlight on it and setting you up with tools to get you back in the driver’s seat of your life. Great! Right? Of course right! Now lets get on with the show!

So we’ve agreed that we’ve all got a version of a victim that jumps in and takes control sometimes. I’m sure we can also all agree that when the victim is in charge, life isn’t exactly a bed of roses.

So let’s look at how you can identify when your version of victim has taken control. Even though we’ve all got a different ‘personalized’ version of a victim within us, all victims have a fairly basic and standard M.O.

 Basically victims (in this context) are generally avoiding being responsible for the situation they’re in. That means there’s often a lot of blaming and finger pointing going on…

I know… not exactly what you want to look at. So let me point you back to the disclaimer a few paragraphs back – remember? The key is to: quit judging yourself, and just OWN it. We all do it! And the bottom line is you can’t solve a problem unless you first admit that you have one. Sheer stubbornness and willing-it-away won’t make your version of victim any less of a reality.

Now that we have that over with, let’s get down to the business of victim refinement…

Own It & Get On With It – Victim Refinement

I say refinement because the fact is that you will never fully eradicate your victim; your personal brand of victim has served a purpose in your life up until now and your job now is to learn how to use the presence of your victim to your benefit.

“To my benefit you say?? WTF??”

I know. I know. It sounds insane that being a victim could have any level of power to it and the truth is, indirectly it does. Why you ask – well anytime your victim is running the show, there’s something you’re avoiding being responsible for. We’ll get more into that in the next post however what you want to do now is start getting familiar with your personal brand of victim.

In an effort to jump-start the process, here are some things you can pay attention to over the next few days. Anytime you notice any of the following phrases floating around your mind or coming out of your mouth – guess what – you’re victim is in charge…

• I’m confused
• I don’t know
• I don’t know how
• I don’t understand

In essence, whenever these phrases go through your mind or come out of your mouth, it is likely your inner victim has taken the reigns and is keeping you stuck. These phrases are all fronts to avoid looking at and accepting the reality of what’s going on. The fact remains, no matter how much you don’t understand or know or can’t things are they way they are, and every moment you spend denying that fact is another moment you remain powerless to do anything; the truth, your truth, is only elusive if you let it be.

Another way your brand of victim will sabotage you from having the life you really want, is through blaming; blame the circumstances, other people, lack of something (time, money, etc.) too much of something (time, money, etc.) the weather, you name it. Here are just a few examples of responsibility-avoidance-tactics at work:

• She/ He’s too ______ = blaming her and not owning your part, thereby giving you power to take action.
• He/ She’s not ________ = blaming him and not owning your part, thereby giving you power to take action.
• I didn’t have enough time = Either I wasn’t responsible with my time or I wasn’t responsible enough at the outset to say I wouldn’t be able to follow through in the specified amount of time.
• I can’t say no = A sneaky version responsibility avoidance because you’re not blaming someone or something outright, however you’re still not being responsible for your actions therefore being a victim to your impulses/ thoughts/ feelings.

These are just a few examples of how us human beings will shirk responsibility for our situations, and keep ourselves stuck. It’s not until we can be fully responsible for everything we have (and don’t have) in our lives that we can start to have the power to change the things that aren’t working. Until you own your situation, you’ll always be waiting for an external factor to change before you can do anything for yourself. Not exactly a powerful way to get through life…

What can you do about it right now? Start to look for and identify your personal reality and responsibility avoidance tactics. See them in action and then ask yourself: ‘What am I really avoiding here?’ Once you can see your victim in action, it will be way easier to take back control.

I’m sure those won’t be the only indicators for you when you start this process. Take some notes and remember: you agreed to give up judging yourself in the previous section so keep your promise and just notice – no judging. I recommend you take an observational role in your life – just watch yourself in action and see what you notice – and really get a handle on what your victim says. Yours will likely have it’s own behaviours that go along with all of those statements.

The more you can identify that, the easier the rest of this process will be!

Get out there and pay attention to yourself. Then bring your notes to next week’s post and we’ll put them to good use.