Ready To Stop Hijacking Yourself?
Here’s the thing… without integrity, nothing works; or at least it doesn’t work the way it was meant to.
So far we’ve identified that integrity is NOT about doing the right thing, it’s about being whole with nothing missing. We’ve also figured out that there are 3 key things that make up your integrity: your core values, your commitments, and your actions. In the last post we looked at the first 2 parts of your integrity and you were left with the task of discovering your core values and the commitments you make to honour them.
This week we’re going to look at the final piece of what makes up your integrity. For most people this is where most of the ‘breakdowns’ happen; the things that make your life harder and make you feel grumpy, stuck, and frustrated. This is also the place where we start to get sucked into the black-hole-of-morality: the vortex of right vs. wrong and good vs. bad… Trust me. You’re gonna wanna check this out!
As a recap:
For the sake of continuity and ease I’ve been using the example of a bicycle wheel to metaphorically and visually demonstrate integrity.
So far we’ve identified that a wheel has integrity when all of the integral pieces are present, conversely when all of the integral pieces are not present the wheel doesn’t have integrity; it’s either whole and complete with nothing missing or it’s not. There’s nothing good/ bad, or right/ wrong about it – there’s certainly an effect on it’s efficiency if all of the pieces aren’t present, but the wheel isn’t bad and wrong if it’s missing a spoke or two.
Then we looked at the 3 parts of the integrity wheel and how they correlate to your life:
The RIM = your core values: a person’s principles or standards of behaviour; something held to deserve worth, importance or usefulness.
The HUB = your commitments: a pledge or promise. You make these, whether you’re conscious of it or not, to honour your core values…
The SPOKES = the way you honour your commitments: to keep the promises that you made and do what you said you’d do.
Last week we drilled down into the rim and hub assembly of your integrity wheel. Now we’re going to dig into the space between the rim and hub and look at the way you honour your commitments and promises and how that messes with your integrity and then in turn with your sense of yourself.
Where Do You Get Hijacked?
If the rim and hub are your core values and commitments, then what’s left is the Spokes = the Way You Honor your values and commitments. This includes:
- Do what you said you’d do – this can be anything from picking up milk on the way home because you said you would to honouring your marriage vows and not cheating on your spouse.
- Do what you know you need to do – this can be picking up milk on the way home because you know there’s none left and you know someone will need it for breakfast or coffee in the morning; you know the household needs milk so you get milk for the household.
- Do what others expect you to do (even if they haven’t said anything) and telling then them if you can’t meet their expectations. This last one requires a level of responsibility that most of us would rather not take on… Not honouring this one allows us to point blame onto others instead of stepping up and being straight about how we’re feeling, what we want, and what we’re willing or not willing to do. If you know someone expects something of you – like picking up milk on the way home – and you haven’t specifically said you would do it then you have a responsibility to say ‘I can’t/ won’t pick up milk on the way home’.
Another example of ‘doing what others expect of you’ shows up in relationships – A LOT.
If you want to maintain your integrity with yourself when you’re in a relationship, and you know the other person is expecting something from you (I.E. not seeing other people, working on building emotional intimacy, or making the relationship a priority, etc.) and you’re not in the same place, you have a responsibility to yourself to say something – that you’re not willing to do what the other person expects.
Conversely, if you’re the one who wants something in a relationship and the other person doesn’t seem to be as into it or focused on it as you, you have a responsibility to yourself to ask questions and get clarification; for all you know they’re expecting that you’ll chill out and relax.
Why Do You Get Hijacked Here?
This is the place we sell ourselves out more often than not. It’s so easy to do!! Why?
Because it’s way easier to bend to peer pressure (or temptation of what you want, like dessert or the thrill of flirting with someone new) than it is to do what you know to do – which is say ‘no thank you’.
Because it’s way easier to just swallow your feelings than it is to actually ask someone for what you need – that would mean you’d have to get a little vulnerable!! EEEEKK!!
Because it’s way easier to turn a blind eye and pretend you didn’t know what deep down you do know someone else expects of you. That’s WAY easier than telling someone ‘no’ and upsetting them or hurting their feelings. It’s way easier to blame them for not having told you first…
Bottom line – if you know someone is expecting something from you, even if you never agreed to, discussed, or clarified it, you have a responsibility to YOUR INTEGRITY to tell them that you can’t meet their expectations.
Period.
Why? Because otherwise you’re not being a real and honest expression of yourself: your wants, needs, values, boundaries, etc. In reality, you’re compromising who you are and what you feel; you’re compromising your integrity.
Whoa! That’s Getting Serious and Deep…
Allow me to clarify in simpler terms: if you have an icky feeling about a situation, it’s likely that you’re dishonouring a core value or a commitment by not doing what you know needs to be done.
You’re stepping over or ignoring something. Check these examples out:
- HONESTY – I have a core value of honesty so being truthful is important to me however it’s easier to be quiet than risk telling the truth and hurting someone’s feelings or risking rejection.
- SELF-RESPECT – I have a value of self respect however sometimes it’s easier to be quiet and just go with the flow than it is to risk speaking out or standing up for something – including myself!
- LOVE/ CONNECTION – I have a HUGE value around love however sometimes having the courage to risk the vulnerability it takes to tell someone how you feel about them is really hard… it’s easier to be quiet than risk looking foolish or being rejected.
- COMMITMENT/ YOUR WORD I know, like I know, like I know, that my integrity (and therefore how I feel about myself) is tied up in my ability to honour my commitments and yet so often it’s easier to do what I want to do right now instead of what needs to be done or what I said I’d do a week ago.
Compare those examples to your own life and I’m sure you can easily see where you’ve been stepping out on your integrity, most of the time without even knowing it. As an extreme example, every time you hit snooze on your morning alarm (unless you set it with the intention of hitting snooze) you are out of integrity with yourself before your feet even hit the floor.
Every time you say yes to a treat and no to your nutrition plan, you’re out of integrity WITH YOURSELF.
Every time you stay up a little later than you know you should because you have an early morning the next day, you’re out of integrity WITH YOURSELF.
Every time you do something you know your partner wouldn’t be ok with, you’re out of integrity with them as well as YOURSELF.
It goes on and on… because as I said before, we aren’t set up to keep our integrity. We’re designed to break it and then if we’re smart, restore it and learn from the experience.
This is why it’s SO important to put down the judgment around integrity. If you judge yourself as bad or wrong every time you break your integrity, you’re just going to live a life of being Mr. Wrongy Wrongerson; he who’s wronger than anyone ever to walk the earth since the dawn of time.
A Bright Idea!
Here’s a thought: since most of us are addicted to judgment anyway, if you just can’t give it up, then try shifting to judging yourself on how well you restore your integrity instead…
In the next article of this series I’ll be looking at the process to restore your integrity. Unfortunately just like we tend to confuse integrity with morality, we also confuse restoring integrity with saying ‘I’m sorry’. Actually, truth be told, most people don’t even think about ‘restoring integrity’ as a concept at all – they actually just hope if they apologize enough it’ll make everything better. I’m here to tell you that isn’t how it works and that’s why you rarely feel ‘clean’ after a big fight. Saying sorry doesn’t cut it.
In order to get you prepped and ready for finally curing your morality hangover and getting you fully connected to the power living with integrity provides, you’ll need to spend some time this week looking at the places you are out of integrity in your life. You want to look at:
- All the things you say you’re going to do and then rarely follow through on.
- All the places you know someone else is expecting you to do something and you’re didn’t or haven’t done it.
- All the things you say you want to do and then don’t actually take actions towards making things happen.
- All the ‘breakdowns’ you have in your life currently – anywhere you’re not living fully alive, anywhere you’re struggling, or anywhere there’s discord.
Make a list, check it twice. Then check back for the next article and learn the extremely powerful (and simple) tool to restore your integrity with yourself and anyone or any situation in your life – I’m not kidding, it’s only 4 steps and it doesn’t involve ‘I’m sorry’ at all!
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