Finally… The Cure
In the last 3 articles we’ve been talking about integrity and how the morality hangover comes from your integrity (the state of being whole, with nothing missing) being out of whack (something missing.)
We also did a lot of work to identify what makes up your integrity – your core values, promises & commitments, and the actions you take to honour all of that.
If you would like to read or review those articles check them out here:
- The Morality Hangover ~ Integrity vs. Morality
- The Morality Hangover Pt2 ~ What Makes Up Your Wheel
- The Morality Hangover Pt3 ~ Stop Hijacking Yourself
Now it’s time to look at how to wrap this all up and bring everything full circle. You’ve learned what makes up your integrity and then (if you’ve done the homework) seen how easy it is to put yourself out of integrity all. the. time.
In this article we’re going to finally discuss how to pull it all together or restore your integrity; put back what’s missing.
When you look at your life and notice the how frequently you set yourself up to be out of integrity, it’s easy to see that integrity isn’t something we just naturally have. It takes effort to maintain your integrity… Just think about:
- All the things you say you’re going to do and then rarely follow through on.
- All the places you know someone else is expecting you to do something and you didn’t or haven’t done it.
- All the things you say you want to do and then don’t actually take the necessary actions required to make things happen.
All the ‘breakdowns’ you have in your life currently – anywhere you’re not living fully alive, anywhere you’re struggling, or anywhere there’s discord – consider you are out of integrity.
Now you might be saying to yourself that you’re really good at keeping your integrity in some areas of your life, but I bet if you look there are other areas that you suck at it. You’re a human being – it’s totally normal! Just like we’re not generally rational and logical creatures, we’re emotional and impulsive, part of our human nature dictates that we’re not always going to operate with integrity. Unless you never commit to anything and never take any risks in your life, you’ll inevitably experience being out of integrity.
And I bet if you’re the sort that’s reading articles like this, you’re not interested in living a life void of the colour and aliveness that comes with taking risks…
Now if any part of you is getting your back up here, feeling defensive about being out of integrity, consider that you’ve fallen back into that Morality vs. Integrity trap and you’re judging yourself for the possibility of being out of integrity. I invite you to put that judgment down. Just like a wheel is not bad or wrong when it’s missing spokes, you’re not bad or wrong when you’re integrity isn’t whole… you’re just missing something.
Are you still with me? Without judging yourself?
Good.
No matter what, if your integrity is out of whack – BROKEN – in any area of your life it’s an energy sucker.
Being out of integrity anywhere – whether with yourself or someone you’re in a relationship with – is a guaranteed way to feel disempowered.
(If empower means to “give power to” then disempower means to take that away – take power away from yourself.)
Living any part of your life from a disempowered state sucks; everything seems harder, you struggle to make decisions or take actions, you second guess and over analyze, you’re tired and lethargic. It just sucks.
The thing is, most of us don’t know how to re-empower ourselves once we’ve gotten stuck in disempowered-zombie-land. That’s what we’re here to look at in this article. The 4 simple steps to get yourself re-empowered and back in the game. I mean really, life’s way more fun when you’re on the court playing the game than it is from the bleacher-stands of judgment.
So let’s get down to business.
STEP 1: You Better ‘Recanize’!
“You can’t change that which you don’t acknowledge” – thank you Dr. Phil.
First step is to start tuning into yourself and recognizing when you’re feeling disempowered. Anytime you’re feeling that, there’s a high likelihood you’re out of integrity somewhere in your life. You really want to get to know what your version of being disempowered feels like so you can get yourself back in the game sooner.
For me, I notice that I start to become really resentful and judgmental. Of everything. And if I’m totally honest, of everyone… Ugh. It’s a sh*tty place to be no doubt. I start to make choices that impact my life in negative ways – stay up too late, skip the gym, eat a cookie instead of a proper lunch, start being late…
It’s no accident with every action I take from a disempowered place I am pulling myself further and further out of integrity with myself… feeling more and more disempowered. It’s a vicious cycle so the sooner you can recognize your going down the rabbit hole, the better.
STEP 2: Own That Sh*t
This one can be a little harder to deal with… it might be that you’re not even sure what it is you need to take responsibility for! OR! It could be that you’ll really need to put your ego aside and accept responsibility for doing something that you knew you shouldn’t do.
Owning the way you’ve put yourself out of integrity usually requires that you go back and look at the ‘integrity wheel’ and identify what is missing. More often than not it’s a ‘spoke’ that’s missing – or the way you honour your values and commitments:
- Did you do what you said you’d do? – Did you pick up milk on the way home because you said you would or did you forget or just not do it?
- Did you do what you knew needed to be done? Did you ask the hard questions to get the answers you deserve in a situation that is ambiguous and the ambiguity is making you crazy? Did you draw a boundary that you know needs to be drawn despite the fact it might upset someone else?
- Did you do what someone expected you to do? Did you leave someone with the impression you were going to do something and then you didn’t? Because leaving them with the impression that you would do it avoided the risk of a fight and you didn’t want to deal with a fight… and because you never specifically said you would or wouldn’t, you can put it back on them because they never asked you clearly?
Those are usually pretty good questions to ask yourself to get the integrity restoration ball rolling.
Once you know where you’re out of integrity, you have to take responsibility for how you’re out of integrity. This part is KEY!! You need to own it straight up.
- I didn’t pick up the milk like I told you I would.
- I didn’t ask the hard questions I promised myself I would.
- I didn’t hold that boundary that I know I need to for my own good.
- I didn’t do that thing you were expecting me to.
I know. I know… looking at this part is never fun. Especially when you still fall into the morality judgment trap. Remember… You’re not bad or wrong. There’s just something missing…
STEP #3: Deep Impact
After you’ve taken responsibility for how you broke your integrity, you get to look at the impact – both on yourself and the other party. This is the step that often gets missed and in turn it’s what leaves that icky feeling in the air; that awkward weirdness that no one likes and where you have trouble looking yourself in the eye.
The thing is though, unless you acknowledge the impact, you can’t really complete the final step, and therefore there’ll still be something missing. The other thing about this step is that when you really get present to the impact of your actions (or lack of actions) your perspective will shift and you’ll likely be automatically motivated to take the actions that need to be taken.
Have you ever been “gotten”? I mean like really gotten… someone really listened and understood what was going on for you? You know how great that feels? Or can you at least imagine how great that would feel?
Well that’s what this step makes available for you and for the important people in your life. When you take the time to acknowledge the impact your behaviour has on them and yourself, you’ll create a new level of connection that you may not have been aware was possible.
“I didn’t pick up the milk like I said that I would and that means you won’t have milk for your breakfast tomorrow and you’re either going to have to go without, get up early so you can stop on your way to work, or be totally rushed in the morning. And I feel guilty so I’m acting a little weird and defensive.”
What would it be like for you if someone did that? Really owned the impact of their behaviour on you?? What would it be like to give that gift to someone else?
If you really want to amp up your performance here, ask them if there is any other impact that you don’t know about and haven’t yet acknowledged. That’s a game changer!!
Although a little humbling at first, I can tell you from first hand experience, the feeling of empowerment that shows up on the other side is pretty unreal. It’s worth eating some humble pie.
Step #4 What Will You Do?
Once you’ve opened up this can of worms and spread it out on the table for clear viewing, it’s time to look at what you will do…
You said you’d pick up milk on the way home but the truth was that on Monday’s is virtually impossible for you to do that and still make it home on time.
Rather than say: ‘next time I promise I’ll do it’ if you know that next time it’ll still be a challenge, then say something about that! Say that you can’t pick up the milk! Or make a plan to go grocery shopping on the weekend and have a grocery list! Or ask them to pick up milk!
Just say something!
Don’t lie about what you’ll do if you know you won’t!! That would mean all that humble pie you ate was for NOTHING!! Don’t rip yourself off like that.
This is the step where you get to be honest about what works for you and what you’re willing and capable of doing. This might be the place where you have to ask for help. This might be the place where you have to start saying ‘no’ up front….
This might be a challenging place for you to be in AND… it’s a key part of setting you up to have your integrity whole and intact with nothing missing.
So there you have it… You now know what the difference is between integrity and the murky world of morality. You know what makes up your personal integrity; your core values, your commitments, and the actions you take to honour the values and commitments. And now you know how to effectively put your integrity back together when you’ve let it get away on you.
Listen, none of this is easy. Living with integrity is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever take on in your life – AND – it’s the only thing that will allow you to feel empowered and fully alive in your life 🙂
How’re You Doing?
I love hearing from my readers! If this was interesting, helpful, or hit home, feel free to leave a comment below or contact me privately! Also, figuring out what makes up your integrity and how to restore it when it’s broken is a challenge, even for those with lots of practice. I’d love to support you in figuring out how to create a powerful foundation for your life. Hit reply and let me know if you want some help!
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[…] to your expectations and then failed to maintain their integrity about that, you might want read this article about how to effectively restore […]